Yeah, so its been about a year. I got my wifi working! Which is great.
This is going to be more of a ... confession, mixed with an update.
Uh, I haven't exactly been ... active online in a long time. A long ass time, and I don't even know. Some people are waiting for a certain request to appear, but, well, here's the confession time.
I don't feel comfortable with art right now. I feel bad saying this, but for a while art has been ... trying, depressing maybe?It's come to my attention that I have some ... personality problems.
I'm a perfectionist, and the fact that I ever felt good enough to put anything up here at all at one point in time is hard for me to believe right now. I look at everything I've ever done, and I ask myself, Did I actually think that was good at all? Why? There are so many problems! Some of you are aware that I've actually cleaned house once before, erasing all of my previous art and starting with a clean slate.
I'm a fan of many things, and my mind tends to work faster than my fingers can keep up. I watch something, and soon enough, I have an entire alternate story thought out, with an outrageous cast of characters, a full plotline, interconnections to the main plot, and I just ... fail to put anything down. I am very proud of my own mind, and how much sheer information I can hold inside. The problem comes when other people can't get in my mind, they can't see the things I see, know the things I know. I can't always use my ability to communicate to my friends what it is I think.
But, then again, I don't really have friends. I'm not that social in the first place, but I prefer to have my friends beside me, where I can show them with my face and body and tone of voice exactly what I'm trying to convey, and Sarah, I know you'll see this, You are a friend, a dear friend, but we don't talk, and it's not either of our fault. You're dealing with some problems right now that I can't help with, and I'm trying to give you space to help yourself, to keep yourself comfortable, so you can contact me when you're ready.
So, basically I've been not doing anything, really. I've been drawing, just not on my tablet, and nothings been getting uploaded, because nothings gotten scanned, because I don't know if its worth moving my junk that I'm surrounded by to even bother to put something up that I don't love, or even like.
And I don't feel comfortable, I feel awful, I know you guys are waiting for me to put something up, but every time I think I did something, ANYTHING good, I just tear it to pieces, comparing it to other peoples art, to other peoples ideas, and I always come up short, and it's not my best, and I refuse to give anyone anything but my fucking best, and it's just not good enough, so I don't feel good enough. And every passing second I'm not doing something I just feel like I'm wasting time, and I constantly check the clock, and everything takes too long, and I don't have enough hours in the day to to what I want.
It's gotten to the point that I find it hard to sleep, I just feel like I should be doing something, anything really, and I just lay there thinking and thinking and thinking for hours.
So, yeah, I know I have some self esteem issues. I don't know.
I don't know.
I guess I'll try to get something up sometime soon. My method before was simply to pump out as much as I could and try to finish one or two things and put them up, but that was ... not satisfying. I want my art to satisfy my self, and maybe even others.
But I'll try to get something up for you guys, soon. I just don't know what it will be yet. Elita, you might want to talk to me, I just don't know if I feel comfortable "walking up to you" after so long.
tl;dr I'm having problems motivating myself, but I'll try for you guys.